But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
