I have demons in me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
