im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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