I faked an abortion last night.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
FUCK WHALES
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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