I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
