I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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