watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
