My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
