I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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