So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
