I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
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