So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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