If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
