A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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