he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
