I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
