I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
