I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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