No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Randomize
