We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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