I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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