In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
