Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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