Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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