I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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