But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
