fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Randomize
