I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
