a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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