when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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