I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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