True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize