My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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