God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize