she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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