so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
