I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
