just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
