everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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