made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize