I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
