it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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