I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
