i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This is classic penis vs brain.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
