apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
