I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
