So drunk, too bad you don't want this
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
