Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
