You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
