I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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