He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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