I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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