We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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