I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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