if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
