No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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