last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
