my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
