I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
