She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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