Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
