every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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