She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
