I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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