that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
