I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize