with your own penis?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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