it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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