At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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