I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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