Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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