I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
