I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
