I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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