i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
