just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
