i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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