Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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