dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
