Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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