Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
